Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators

Why Your ADHD Child Thinks "I'm the Problem" (And How Repair Changes Their Identity)

• Dr. Brian Bradford & Apryl Bradford • Season 1 • Episode 20

Share episode

Send us a text


ADHD kids hear "I'm the problem" on repeat. Learn why repairing after yelling rewrites that story—and what to do when your child won't engage.

________________________________________

There's a sentence ADHD kids learn really early. They don't usually say it out loud, but they're living it internally: I'm the problem.

Not "that was hard." Not "that didn't go well." But something is wrong with me.

Here's what the research says: it's not the conflict that damages your relationship—it's the unrepaired conflict. And for kids with ADHD, who've already received thousands more corrections than their peers by elementary school, those unrepaired moments stack into an identity.

In part two of our repair series, we're going deeper into why repair matters so much for the ADHD brain—especially when rejection sensitivity makes yelling feel like proof they're unlovable.

In this episode, you'll learn:

  • The critical difference between shame and guilt (and why it matters for ADHD)
  • Why your child refuses to accept your apology (it's protection, not defiance)
  • How to repair when your kid shuts down or says "I don't care"
  • The nonverbal repairs that count just as much as words
  • Language shifts that protect your child's identity
  • Signs that your repair actually worked

Walk away knowing that every repair—even the ones your child doesn't respond to—becomes data they'll use to trust you again.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

  • The Shame vs. Guilt Distinction
  • Why Kids Refuse Repair (3 Reasons)
  • How to Repair When They Won't Engage
  • Nonverbal Repairs That Count
  • The Identity-Protecting Language Shift

Why This Matters for ADHD

By late elementary school, kids with ADHD have received thousands more negative corrections than their peers. These aren't neutral—they stack into an identity of "I am the problem." Consistent repair doesn't erase consequences; it changes the story from "I am bad" to "that was hard."


RESOURCES MENTIONED

Apryl:

There's a sentence ADHD kids learn really early. They don't usually say it out loud, but they're living it internally. And that sentence is I'm the problem. Not that was a hard moment, not that didn't go well, but something is wrong with me. And once a kid believes that, everything gets harder. Welcome to Raising ADHD, the podcast for parents and teachers raising ADHD kids. If you've ever felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or just unsure what to do next, you're not alone. I'm April Bradford, a former teacher and ADHD mom, and alongside my husband, Dr. Brian Bradford, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, we're here to give you the clarity, strategies, and support you've been looking for. Every week we break down the misconceptions, answer your biggest questions, and share real tools you can use right away at home and in the classroom. So if you're ready to feel more confident and less overwhelmed, you're in the right place. Hey there, welcome back to Raising ADHD. I'm April Bradford, a former teacher, mom and wife to ADHDers, and someone who has spent years unlearning the idea that yelling equals failure. And here with me is Dremrol Brian.

Brian:

Hey, and I'm Brian Bradford, child and adolescent psychiatrist.

Apryl:

Before we dive into today's episode, I want to share with you. I'm so excited. I've been working on a project behind the scenes. So if you are tired of the daily chaos and meltdowns, I've created a free mini course just for you. Calm the chaos, the ADHD parent reset. In just a few quick lessons, you'll discover simple. And when I say simple, I mean very simple, yet science-backed tools that will bring more peace, connection, and calm into your home. No super parent skills required. These are the skills that I have implemented into our home that's made our home so much calmer and way less yelling. And I promise you, I am no superparent. So if you want to grab that, you can grab it for free at raisingadh.org forward slash calm, and you're going to start feeling the difference right away. So let's dive in to today's episode. Last week we talked about the repair after yelling, and we're going to go back and start there really quick because we talked about what to say after the explosion. And today there was so much research on this. I broke it into two separate episodes so that we could cover all of the good stuff. So last week was what to say after the explosion. And today is about what why that repair matters so much and what it actually changes in your child over time. And I did not want to cut this out because I feel like it's so important. So that's why we've broken it into two uh parts. So let's dive in.

Brian:

Right. So in the last episode, we said something that's really important. And it's that the conflict itself doesn't damage attachment. It's the unrepaired conflict that causes all the damage.

Apryl:

Yes. So today we're taking that deeper, and I found that so interesting. Cause, you know, like after you yell at your kid, there's just so much guilt. But when I was reading this research and stuff, I was like, oh, the it doesn't cause damage. It's leaving that unrepaired that does cause damage. But if we do repeated repair, that doesn't just calm the moment. It changes how your child sees themselves. And we know that this is life. We're humans. There is conflict in life. There's always going to be conflict in life, but it's what we do after the conflict that is going to create their identity. So let's talk about that bad kid identity because we know how deep that runs in the ADHD community. So most ADHD kids are not thinking, how can I be difficult today? Hmm, who can I bother? What can I do? No, they're thinking, why is this so hard for me? Why am I always getting in trouble? Why am I the bad kid?

Brian:

Right. And over time, the environment answers that question for them. So by late elementary school, kids with ADHD have received thousands, like literally thousands for figures, uh, more negative corrections than their peers. And this is not like neutral feedback. This is not this is not coaching. This is a straight up just a correction.

Apryl:

Yeah, and eventually our kids stop hearing those. It's information. It's no longer sit still, and literally mean sit still. It's they're starting to hear what they're starting to hear is them as an identity. Like you're the problem child, right? And this actually makes me, you know, like um how you just said, Brian, that the environment answers the question for them. We talked about this in one of our episodes, where one of the kids in your class said to you, Why are you always getting in trouble? That's the environment answering the question. Like the kids are seeing you as the problem kid because you were being corrected all the time in class. Constantly, yep. And even though like at that point you were like, I am, like you hadn't even noticed it. Like, but I'm sure internally your body was like sublimatively thinking like that. But then all of a sudden, even if even if it wasn't, now you have the identity of I'm always getting in trouble because your environment told you that.

Brian:

Right. And this is like middle elementary school when they they keep happening, and by the time you hit middle school, it is like I am, like, why am I always in trouble and nobody else is.

Apryl:

Mm-hmm. That bad kid identity is deep by that point.

Brian:

And that's when you get this identity of not I messed up, but instead I am messed up.

Apryl:

Yep. And all this shame runs with that too. So speaking of shame, let's talk about that. Let's talk about shame versus guilt because that there's a very important clarification here between shame versus guilt. What is that distinction, Brian?

Brian:

So shame versus guilt. So when you have guilt, what you're saying is I did something wrong. And when you have shame, it's not I did something wrong, but rather I am something wrong.

Apryl:

Which is exactly what we don't want our kids to be thinking. We don't want them to think that they are something wrong. So yelling, especially without repair, like we talked about in the last episode, accelerates the shame because kids aren't thinking, oh, mom lost her cool, mom got mad at me, mom yelled. They think, oh, I pushed her too far again, I made her blow up, I, you know, like we talked about, they feel responsible for our emotions, and so the shame sets in here. So how does repair interrupt the shame?

Brian:

So repair is the interruption, and it doesn't erase the consequences, and it's not pretending that nothing happened. What you're what you're doing is you are changing the story. So when a parent says, You didn't make me yell, I'm responsible for my emotions, the child's identity can now separate from this rug the the rupture, and it's not being prote permissive, it's merely being protective of, oh, I'm not responsible for my mom acting this way. I'm only responsible for the things that I directly did.

Apryl:

Yes. And that is so key that like we talked about in the last episode, this isn't erasing consequences, this isn't soft parenting. We're literally trying to erase the shame from our kids by not placing things on them that wasn't their fault. And when we do that, the story now becomes this was hard, not I am bad. And that's exactly what we want. Okay, so Brian, let's talk about RSD or rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Um, and if you don't know what that is, we actually have an episode on this. It's it's something like why do my kid, why does my kid explode over small things or something like that? So let's talk about RSD and repair and look at this through the ADHD specific lens.

Brian:

So rejection sensitivity, this means a perceived rejection that's experienced as intense intense emotional pain. So yelling doesn't just feel like anger. It's instantly makes you feel like I'm abandoned, I'm humiliated. I there's some like instant proof that I'm unlovable. And the anger they could deal with. It's when you have all these other emotions right on top of it all at the same time.

Apryl:

And I just want to like say that again, what you said with these kiddos with RSD, which goes hand in hand with ADHD. They didn't, it's not like I am a neurotypical person. I don't identify as ADHD. And so for me, I'm like, when someone gets angry at me, I don't take that on myself. And I I get mad, yes, but I don't like I'm not shaming myself for it. But for our these kiddos, it feels like abandonment. That's huge. Like, and they're unlovable. This is proof that they're unlovable. We do not want our kids to feel that way. So this is why some kids fall apart after yelling, or they withdraw, or they shut you out because that's how they're feeling. They're not trying to be dramatic, they truly are like in emotional pain, like they're really upset about this. And so you may not understand it because you may be like me and don't understand, you know, how this feels in their brain. But it is real, very real to them, those feelings. So you may be thinking though, yeah, but what if my kid won't repair? What if they're the ones who shut down and you're trying to repair and your kid won't engage? They ignore you, they say, I don't care, leave me alone, they shut their door. Um, and now you're thinking, great, I'm making it worse. How can we actually repair with those kids? Is there a way to do this, Brian?

Brian:

So this is one of those like really misunderstood moments. Refusing repair isn't defiance, or is at least rarely defiance. This refusing repair is protection. So when kids refuse repair, one of three things is usually happening. Number one, we kind of talked about this last week, their nervous system is still activated. When things are still like alarm bells, at no point can I let this down. Like this is a fight, and I need to go down in flames if I'm going down. Uh the second thing is the shame could still be or or is just too high. It's I am feeling so bad about myself that I'm not worthy of repair, like I can't accept this. Or the trust itself is feeling fragile. And so now if I accept this, then I'm setting myself up for rejection again.

Apryl:

Yeah, and this is very true for our RSD kiddos. And to them, a repair could feel like another conversation where they're being corrected, explained, or emotionally exposed. So there they try to opt out of this. Again, this is not them trying to manipulate you. This is self-preservation. So just know that they there might be some hesitation with some of our kids to do this repair. But let's talk about what not to do when this happens and they won't repair. This is usually where the parent panics because they're like, oh my gosh, why won't you talk to me? And then they accidentally break the trust even further. So things like we're done talking. You have to accept my apology. Don't walk away from me, right? And so those are not going to help. Don't do that.

Brian:

Right. So these things escalate the nervousness, the nervous system, and will confirm that fear. And so this is not about, or this is about control, and it's not about connection at this time.

Apryl:

You're trying to control the situation. Just like Brian said last week, don't try to force an I'm sorry from your kid, right? This is the same type of thing. We're not going to try to control this situation. But what we can do is we can leave the door open to repair. So when your child won't engage, repair gets simpler, not bigger. So you can try this. Hey, I'm sorry for how I handled that. You didn't deserve to be yelled at. You don't have to talk right now. I'm here when you're ready. And then just stop. Like literally, you don't have to force anything else, just opening that door for repair. And then um then it's in their hands, but they also that trust is starting to they can see that coming.

Brian:

Yep. And that's restoring that sense of control. And when you have control, that can help calm your nervous system.

Apryl:

Yeah. So they feel like they're in control of the situation now, and so their nervous system is being calmed. So another thing you can do is repair without words. Some kids don't repair with words, they repair with it might look like this. So if you're trying to do it this one way and it's not working, well, look for these other symptoms because this may be something that they're doing that's actually repair for them. So things like they may come sit next to you, or you could go sit next to them, depending on your kid. Like if you know them. My daughter is definitely like a snuggler. She likes to be close to people. So if she was upset and she wouldn't repair, this is something that I could do with her, is just not even talk, but just go sit nearby. And I know in those moments it wouldn't be like sit like close touching to her, but like in the same room as her. Or, you know, getting a snack, bringing them a snack, watching something together, or doing something neutral side by side. Like if my daughter was playing, I could be working on my laptop laptop next to her or something like that.

Brian:

Yeah, and so all these things still count. All this stuff still counts. Repair itself is is merely about a felt safety, and it's not about a conversation performance.

Apryl:

Yeah, we're bringing that safety back into our relationship with our kids. That's really the goal of repairing. So, how do you know that the repair actually worked and they're not still spiraling in that shame? You'll see things like this. And as you hear this, you're gonna be like, oh yeah, that makes sense. Um, you'll see them softening. Not, you know, that I just think of teenagers, and you know, they're just so angry sometimes. And then they come out of their room and they're not as angry. The proximity, they get closer to you. Maybe there's humor later. That neutral conversation is returning, and they have a calmer nervous system the next day.

Brian:

The goal's not instant closeness. You need to think the long game with this. You're you're merely restoring safety.

Apryl:

Yep. So one thing that I want you to remember is that repair is an invitation, it's not a demand, it's not a requirement, and it's not something your child owes you.

Brian:

Right. And even if your child doesn't respond immediately, the repair still counts and it becomes data. And you have all this data all these times, and so when your child looks at a situation is like, do I trust this or not? It doesn't look at single episodes, it looks at the the situation as a as a whole. And it's like, okay, many times that this has happened, things worked out, and so or my parent always comes back. And so that's how the trust is rebuilt is through repetition.

Apryl:

And one thing that I want to mention here too is because a lot of us were raised with stop crying, go to your room, move on, go sit and time out, right? That doesn't work.

Brian:

Yeah. Emotions just don't disappear when they're ignored. So sending them to their room, I mean, you can do it to take a break, but that didn't just fix everything.

Apryl:

No. No. Their emotions actually accumulate over time because they never were able to work through them because we sent them away. We're like, your problem go away. That's essentially what it's saying to them.

Brian:

Yeah. And same with we were talking about this repetition is it's okay, what happened the last seven times? Mom got mad, yelled at me, sent me to my room.

Apryl:

Mm-hmm.

Brian:

What do you think is gonna happen this time? Well, yep.

Apryl:

And now we have unrepaired ruptured stack, stacks on stacks and stacks of all these unrepaired explosions. Instead of, okay, we have lots of explosions, but that safety of what you were saying of every time this happens, mom comes back or dad comes back.

Brian:

Right.

Apryl:

And it's safe again.

Brian:

Yeah, and as the data adds up, then your child started to predict that. So then it's like, well, every time I get mad, mom sends me out to my room, hates me. Uh I'm getting mad right now. Guess what? My mom hates me. You don't have to do anything. And your child's automatically gonna think this.

Apryl:

Yeah, so that it's so important. Another thing that's really important here is language, because the way that we speak to our kids builds their identity, and especially in these moments. And I know I heard things like this growing up. Things like, you're so disrespectful. We don't want to say you're so disrespectful because that is the way that you're saying that is putting an identity on that person. Instead of saying you're disrespectful, you can say it as wow, that came out really disrespectful. That's not who you are. Do you see that shift in how that sounds and how we're not placing an identity on someone by saying that? We're actually saying that is not who they are.

Brian:

Right. And then you get the behavior addressed, but then your identity is still protected. Nobody wants to be Brian the disrespectful kid. People want to be Brian the cool kid, and one time I messed up and was disrespectful, but I quickly bounced back.

Apryl:

So one of my favorite reframes is skills under construction. Emotional regulation is a skill. Impulse control is a skill. And we know that in ADHD, these skills are delayed. Development the development of these skills are delayed, but ADHD doesn't eliminate these skills, they're just slow to develop. And the coolest thing about all of this is repair models how to learn skills after mistakes.

Brian:

So a quick note here validation versus enabling. So validation itself doesn't remove boundaries. The validation itself makes the boundaries possible. So we want to validate, but we don't want to enable.

Apryl:

Yes, exactly. I'm gonna say it again. This is not soft parenting. When you keep those boundaries up, it's still having those learning moments for your kids, and we're not enabling them. Good point, Brian.

Brian:

Really quick, I feel like we need to throw enabling, like our definition of enabling in there, because in the psychological sense, it's not necessarily a positive thing, but colloquially it is. So enabling is a behavior that unintentionally supports or maintains another person's maladaptive behaviors. So you're basically doing things that enables another person to have bad behavior. So if somebody always spends too much money and goes bankrupt and the parents come in and they're like, oh, I see you got into debt. Let me let me let me help you here. Over and over and over, they they enable that maladie behavior and they walk away going, well, guess what? I can spend whatever I want, and my parents will save me.

Apryl:

Yeah. So we're not doing that. That's yeah, that's why you've got to keep those boundaries. You still keep your boundaries, but we're just repairing the way that we responded to the situation. That's really what we're doing. We still keep the consequences. Again, not punishment consequences. Go back to two episodes ago if you're confused between those two. We're still keeping those consequences and we're keeping our boundaries, but we're repairing the way that we made our child take on that identity of shame. So let's talk about the long-term outcomes and zoom out. What does this look like over time if we keep up and have consistent repair? What does that look like, Brian?

Brian:

So consistent repair leads to a few things. First of all, better emotional regulation. Uh, it can lead to lower anxiety and depression.

Apryl:

Which we know runs really high with kiddos with ADHD.

Brian:

Yeah, anxiety is ridiculously high, depression's ridiculously high, and low self-esteem is ridiculously high, and they're all intercorrelated. And so consistent repair can can help with those. It helps with your relationship, and that's a two-way thing. So it's building your relationship with your child and your child's relationship with you. And it also can lead to just less oppositional behavior, which we've talked about before is such a such a struggle.

Apryl:

Yeah. And when we go to the opposite of that, when we leave these outbursts and ruptures unrepaired, it teaches them that conflict equals disconnection and mistakes equal rejection, which we do not ever want our kids. We want our kids making mistakes. We want them learning and growing. So this is why repair is so important. It actually makes me think of Sarah Blakely, the um creator of Spanx. She said that her dad would ask them every night at the dinner table, what's one way that you failed today? Because he knew that failure led to growth. And so we want our kids to know, like, oh, making mistakes is okay. My parents are still going to love me. It does not, it's not rejection. And these lessons are what follow our kiddos into adulthood. And that's why this is so, so important. And so just to go back really quick to last week's episode, we talked about do-overs. And do-overs teach something super critical, is that you are not stuck in that first reaction. Whatever you did, you can fix and repair and try again.

Brian:

Right. And that's resilience. And your kids will respond well to that. They'll be like, okay, it's okay to make a mistake and immediately correct it.

Apryl:

Yes, exactly. That's what we want to raise is resilient kids, kids who can do hard things. These are the kids who go out and get jobs and do well in the world, is when they can, you know, they got a no-on-a-job application. Okay, well, they're gonna go and do it again because they are resilient and know how to get through things when they're hard.

Brian:

Your child doesn't need fewer mistakes. What they need is fewer unrepaired moments. You want your kids making mistakes and you want them to not feel anxious because when they do that, then it results in action. When these mistakes result in anxiety, then it results in inaction. And it's well, I better not do that because that could lead to anxiety.

Apryl:

And that's what they carry on to the into their adulthood, which is not what we want for them.

Brian:

Right. Yeah. The the benefit of ADHD is all this energy and all this hyperactivity, and you got to use it as a benefit in creating action. And if you just if it just leads to anxiety, it'll it'll result in inaction, you know, being shut down.

Apryl:

Yep. And again, if you're like, oh my gosh, this is so different than the way that I was raised, you're not alone. This is this is how we were raised. It was like, go to your room, you're in time out. No, again, this is not soft parenting. This is parenting in a way that builds resilient kids, builds trust, and just creates that the identity that we want our kids to carry on into adulthood. So you're not behind, you're doing something new, and you're changing the narrative for generations to come. So we will see you next week. And until then, you are not alone. We've got your back.

Brian:

Yep. See you guys. I didn't get the last word in. Got it. I'm gonna leave that last. Thanks so much for joining us for today's conversation on raising ADHD. Remember, raising ADHD kids doesn't have to feel overwhelming. Small shifts can make a big difference. If you found this episode helpful, it would mean the world if you would hit subscribe, if you would leave a review, or if you shared it with another parent or teacher who needs this support. And don't forget to join us next week for more real talk, practical tips, and encouragement. Until then, you've got this, and we've got your back